Adoption

In May 2008, my husband and I adopted our daughter, Semira from Ethiopia. In December, 2012, we completed the adoption of our five-year old son, Kibrom. I finally decided to put some of my adoption thoughts down in writing. Because I have spent the last five years thinking about adoption, I have some strong opinions on the matter.

Adoption Questions

I am often asked a variety of questions about adoption that I will attempt to answer below. 

1. Why did you adopt?

I had my biological daughter, Lily in 2005. I quickly realized I wanted her to have a sibling. However, after long discussions with my husband, we came to the conclusion that we were uncomfortable having another biological child given how many people already inhabit the planet and how many children already born needed loving homes. My goal was to be a mother so adoption seemed to be a logical choice for us.

2. How did you choose Ethiopia?

We looked into several options and talked to friends and acquaintances who adopted. Since we could have another baby if we chose to and often there is a long wait for infant adoptions, we decided that it made more sense to adopt an older child. But I also had to be realistic as to what we could handle with regard to special needs and health issues. At the time, Ethiopia seemed to be a good fit given our criteria.

3. How much does it cost? 

Well, it isn't cheap. I think Semira's adoption cost $25-28,000 when totally finished (including travel). Our latest adoption cost a bit more due to changes in the adoption process. The good part is that you don't pay all the money at once and there is a generous tax credit by the federal government. The tax credit means we get back about $12,000 of our expenses per adoption.

4. How have you managed to pay for your adoptions?

Luckily, we are pretty fiscally conservative. We used money from our savings cash flowed the rest. Yes, we have felt pretty broke at times, but we managed to pull it off. If you have your mind set on doing something, it is funny how you can prioritize your spending. Of course, it doesn't hurt that we drive paid-off beater cars and live in a fairly modest house.

5. Does Semira remember anything (e.g. of her life before you adopted her)? 

Of course she does! She was 3 plus years old at the time. Trust me when I say she is wise beyond her years. She has an outstanding memory and is very perceptive.

6. Does Semira have a birth mom/father/family in Ethiopia?

Yes. She has a biological mother who is alive and well. Other than to say we have been in contact with her a bit, I don't want to say much else about her or the situation. While it is true that Semira's adoption is a family story, the details are personal and they are for Semira to share (if she chooses to at some point in the future). In addition, I feel a sense of responsibility to her Ethiopian mother. Her story is not mine to tell to the world.

Common Adoption Comments

Now onto two comments that I often hear. When we were new to this, I felt compelled to give a thorough response to everyone. Now I realize that some people don't get it and never will. So, I tend to blow off many of these comments by changing the subject or ignoring those particular individuals. If I get the feeling that someone is genuinely interested in my response and is open minded then I usually answer.

"She's so lucky!" 

Is Semira lucky? I don't know. Yes, she has more opportunities living with our family than she did living in an orphanage in Ethiopia. She is getting a good education and hopefully will go to college someday. While she certainly has more material possessions because she lives in the United States, I am not sure this alone makes someone lucky. What many people don't see though is that when she gained a new family who loves her, she lost a mother who I am sure also loves her. While she has learned what it is like to live in America, she has forgotten much about life in Ethiopia. The truth is the situation is complicated. We face challenges of grief and loss on a regular basis. I wish more people could understand this. To simply get off a plane and pretend that your child doesn't have a history is short sighted.

Any comment that involves "saving" a child

This usually gets interjected into conversations when strangers ask me about why we adopted. To be honest, I can't stand this mentality. We didn't go into adoption to save a child. There are plenty of ways to help solve the world orphan crisis besides adopting a child. I will admit that I am not a super religious person so I just can't relate to this. I was not "called" to adopt.

Adoption Advice

Finally, I wanted to give some advice for people thinking about international adoption.

• First, it is not for the faint at heart. It is highly bureaucratic and in the end, it is amazing that things come together and you actually come home with your child.
• You need to have the patience of a saint.
• While you can ask as many questions as you want, don't expect to always get a straight answer. 
• Be careful about what agency you use. Not all agencies are created equal. 
• Pick a country where you like the culture. Realize that you are adopting that culture as well as your child. 
• Embrace that fact that you have a lot to learn about adoption in general, the country where you are adopting from, grief and loss, and race and culture. For your child and your family, commit to learning all you can. 
• Don't brush the difficult issues under the carpet. They will not go away. 

Good luck if you choose this journey! It is one with many challenges, yet big rewards.